AppleStolic Revolutionizes the Apple!April 1: To combat the ever encroaching pressures of time, children and even clumsiness, food giant AppleStolic has engineered a homemaker’s dream, a tastier, more nutritious, flat-bottomed apple that won’t roll away by accident, attrition or other factors.
“We have invested in research, love and development to provide a kitchen celebration for home makers,” said Giovanni Emo, AppleStolic spokesperson. “This is pie month and this is a whole bushel of upgrades for the common fruit known as the 'apple,' complete just in time for pie month!"
In Climate Change Severe (CCS) arenas like Southern California, a rolling apple causes major issues in the kitchen and even the family car if taken on a trip and left unsecured,” said Emo.
The problem (exacerbated by global warming) is acute, specifically around the San Andreas Fault or other diatomaceous earth-allergic zones due to shifting tectonic plates deep within the earth’s crust.
“More importantly,” said Emo, “The other crust, the pie crust, is breathtakingly cared for by AppleStolic with our new ‘Wheatless Flakester Pie Holster,’ (TM) which of course has a flat bottom and zero gluten! Kenny Homeaker, your dream home has no more heartaches with AppleStolic , it’s a la mode!”
A contest to name the newcomer on the apple scene is open for entries. You are encouraged to try your luck at "Apple Monikering." "The competition is firm, crisp and flavorful," warned Emo.
"Front runner names are 'Flatsap,' 'Apple Jaggers' (and the Non-Rolling Stones), 'Flatland,' 'Flatulista Now,' 'the Flapple' and "Steve 'Flat Bottom' Jobs Apple Variety," in honor of the late Apple Visionary, who, oddly enough and incidentally really loved apple pie.” Email entries to FlatBottomBoys@AppleStolic.com